Trump is a Narcissist. Don't get Spooked!

I don't believe in spooks, I don't believe in spooks, I don't I don't I don't I don't...

Wherever you are when you’re reading this: take a deep breath into your belly. Breathe in for four beats. Hold it for four beats. Now, breathe out for four beats. Lower your shoulders from up around your ears. Unclench your pelvic floor.

Good, I think we all needed that.

Now, I need to tell you something about how narcissists manipulate people.

In case you didn’t know, Donald Trump is a narcissist, doing to the whole country just the same things a narcissistic parent or partner does to their family. Understanding narcissists can help you understand why you’re so scared, and what you can do to ground yourself.

Narcissists need an endless supply of attention and endless affirmation of their own power. They feed on drama like a vampire feeds on blood. They will show off and exaggerate their accomplishments and talents to try and get your admiration. They will shower a new partner with affection and then suddenly go cold and withhold affection, so that the confused partner will fawn on them to try to get the love to come back. They will lie to and about people in order to create a conflict with themselves as the victim. Any attention will do.

Sometimes, narcissists torture their victims by terrifying them. They will dangle threats over the victims’ heads, drop lurid hints, and otherwise push the victim into a full blown helpless panic. Making people panic is a fun game, for a narcissist.

Fortunately, once you know that’s how narcissists operate, you can use that knowledge to protect yourself.

This fear your feeling right now? I wish I could say it’s not legitimate. I wish nothing bad was going to happen in the next four years. I’m sure that many very bad things will happen, and it will be exhausting to stand our ground and protect and help as many people as we can.

But here’s the thing: He can’t do EVERYTHING he has planned. EVERYTHING you are terrified of right now can’t possibly all happen at once. Think about it. How could anyone BOTH shut down the entire Department of Education, sending everything back to the states, and ALSO penalize elementary schools and colleges for not doing what he wants? There’s probably a way, but it sounds to me as if he’s throwing as much spaghetti as he can at the wall to see what he can make stick, to please his creepy base, and to terrify the rest of us. Multiply that by every threat or promise he’s made and every way he demands attention. Think of the things he bantered about but didn’t do last time. Lots of bad things are for sure going to happen. But ALL of it can’t possibly happen, and certainly not all at once.

Trump wants us all to panic in fear of him or fawn in admiration of him. His cultists can’t think clearly because they are obsessed with him, and it would be great for him if his opponents couldn’t think clearly either, out of panic.

Fear is legitimate, but we’re playing right into his hands if we panic.

The best way we can mitigate any damage that’s going to be done, is to not panic.

The best way to not panic, is to take it one day, and one moment, at a time.

Breathe in and out into your belly again. Relax those shoulders. Un-clench.

Repeat that as you need.

Now, exactly how much news do you have to read or watch? Because yes, you should keep track of the news. but do you need to doomscroll as often as you’ve been doomscrolling? Some people do. My job as a writer depends on constantly checking the news, but yours might not. Would imagining it’s the 90s and only looking at the news between six-thirty and seven while pretending Peter Jennings is reading it to you be more manageable? Do that, if it helps. Find something to do in the time slot where you’re usually doomscrolling, that doesn’t involve a phone. Get a messy hobby like painting, or plan to watch all the Hitchcock movies in order, or run a Couch to 5k.

Also, how much news do you need to REACT to? You’re going to read a lot that doesn’t deserve a whole lot of your energy. Is Trump putting Ramaswamy and Musk in charge of an advisory board that looks like a new Cabinet position where they’ll squabble and fight and eventually make recommendations for Congress to roll their eyes at something worthy of a whole lot of energy? Probably not for most of us. What could we possibly do about that? On the other hand, if your neighbors are being rounded up for deportation? That’s something that will need your attention. Save your strength for what’s important.

We will get through the next few years, but not by panicking every time the narcissist demands our energy. The best way to fight a narcissist is to be stingy with your emotional response.

One more deep breath. One more un-clench. Maybe do a couple of stretches.

Now ask yourself: what, specifically, are you afraid of? Is it something that can be made better by a freakout?

What CAN you do, instead of freaking out?
Do that.

That’s the first step.